I am almost done reading Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. It’s been such a soothing and helpful tool for me as I reflect on my parenting skills, as well as how I show up in the world and in my conversations with people. I thought I would dedicate a blog post to discuss her book.
Her book is considered a parenting book, but I believe it helps everyone (parents or not) soothe their own inner child and heal from past trauma. It helps us improve how we choose to relate to the people in our lives whether at work, at home, or out and about. She reminds us often throughout the book that we are all naturally good inside. There is a drastic change that happens when you hold this “good inside” lens while looking at everyone around you. It shines a light of the dichotomy of life that we are often subjected to, and allows more room for compassion, patience and growth. Dr. Kennedy reminds us that two things can be true at the same time. We can be having a hard time and snap at a loved one but still be good inside. It reminds us to hold space and give ourselves and our children some grace. We can feel our emotions freely knowing that we are still good inside. We are simply human. There is room for growth, for understanding, for all the grey area that life can throw at us. This applies to us all and transcends all gender and age groups. We all have a chance to be a little kinder to ourselves and more compassionate to others when we start from a foundation of knowing that we are good inside.
Another main idea I loved from her book is the celebration of connection. We all yearn for belonging and connection. What children, friends, clients or colleagues all look for is another person to acknowledge their presence and connect with them. Offering others true moments of connection by repeating what they say out-loud, by mindfully listening, by withholding judgement, allows more room for raw authentic acceptance. It opens up a new level of understanding and connection. It changes everything. When you feel seen, heard, and connected, the hard things or feelings become lighter because you feel supported.
As a child psychologist Dr. Becky also reminds us that no matter how old we are today, we were all once children and a lot of our emotional triggers got hardwired during our childhood. The great news is it is never too late to change the wiring in our brain and heal or tame our triggers by simply going backwards and understanding what is prompting us to feel triggered in the first place. There is no blame here on anyone. It is a simple way to go back to our past to understand ourselves better and repair what happened. We can then move forward and manage our emotions better.
There are 3 steps to follow when we try to understand our triggers and try to change them and learn from them:
- Step 1: Focus on being a good person and state what you did. We tend to collapse behaviors into identity instead of differentiating them.
“I am a good person who just made a mistake… “
This becomes a way to reclaim our good identity from our bad behavior. You get curious about your actions and what you were triggered by.
- Step 2: repair. “How can I repair the hurt I caused?”
It is humbling and hopeful to know that if you are aware of any hurt, you may have caused, it is never too late to try and repair the harm you caused. You can always show remorse and explain what you did wrong to the other person or child.
- Step 3: analysis/reflection “what prompted me to feel triggered?” “When did I start a pathway to feeling unworthy or depleted?”
Reflecting on what may have happened to you or what triggered your anger or resentment will help you create new wiring. You can start by stating your new understanding, & reaffirm your new way of thinking. “I am worthy of love. I am good inside. I can let go of the hurt I endured, let go of the built-up resentment, and move on”.
Overall, I consider this book a real gem of helpful and hopeful concrete tips on how to a better version of ourselves as parents and as human beings. It helps us aspire to be a version that offers grace, kindness and aim to be a positive force in the world, one that moves securely towards connection, reflection, and acceptance. We can all benefit from that!
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