Let's talk about the Messy Middle!

This time of year, we are often bombarded with all kinds of message about everything we can change in our lives. I am guilty of doing just that. I vividly remember a few years ago, I made a flyer to promote my classes in January and the title was: NEW YEAR/NEW YOU. I wanted to portray the start of the new year with the fresh and positive perspective that it was a good time for everyone to turn a new leaf, to get a fresh start, to be whoever we want to become: A NEW US. Today I would definitely use a different title - It’s not about changing everything about us. I think my focus now is more on accepting ourselves as we are. Once we feel enough and worthy, it is easier to start working on learning, growing and changing. We can assess how authentically we are living our lives and in which areas we can grow and change (professionally, emotionally, in our relationships, our wellness…etc). Learning to love ourselves, learning to believe in ourselves enough to live boldly and authentically – that is the challenge of our lifetime. This can be hard and it requires love, grit, and resilience. Today I want to talk more about the hard trenches that we may have to face from time to time. The phase of growth that is not talked about as much as it should. We love to hear about the before and after of a transformation, how we were before, how we are now but we skip right through the tough challenge it took for us to grow. I wish we could talk openly about what happens in the middle: The confusing hard uncomfortable and sometimes painful place we have to settle in for a while before we emerge with a glow of relief when we come out with a solution or changed.

Brené Brown described it on her podcast in 2020 when the pandemic started. She described it as the part where things get rocky, where we hit a wall. She describes this messy middle as: “When we’re in the dark, the doors close behind us, we’re too far in to turn around and not close enough to the end to see the light.”

The messy middle is sometimes the equivalent of jumping in a long river of mud. It is dark, slow and mucky there. When we come out of it and rinse off, our muscles are stronger, our skin feels cleaner, softer and has a fresh glow. We have changed in some way. It is so easy to share how great we feel when we come out but not many people are comfortable talking openly about what goes on in the middle. What if we could share with raw transparency how scary it can be in the muddy river, how slowly things move down there, how hard, overwhelming and messy it feels in this middle phase? Maybe a new habit we can try this year is to try and be more conscious of the messy middle and to shine a light on it.

Being in a crisis usually holds a bad connotation but when we look at the root of the word Crisis we discover it can be a good thing. The Latin verb of crisis comes from the PIE root KREI which means “to sieve”. Being in a crisis allows us to sieve through or sift through everything that we are facing. A crisis allows us to see what we need to hold on to and what we can let go of. We keep the best of ourselves and move on stronger than we were. I heard Glennon Doyle using this sifting metaphor on her podcast We can do hard things and it stuck with me after that. Now when I feel myself in the messy middle = in a crisis, I soften a little and I brace myself. I give myself a little tap in the back and know that the messy middle will help me in some way.

Now, even though I consciously know that something good will come out of this hard time, I also want to point out that the messy middle can be tough to go through. Right now for example, I have been swimming in a muddy river of the messy middle for a while, and sometimes I worry that the edge of the pool is nowhere in sight. It can be confusing, hard and draining. It definitely gets the warrior in us to fight for us. We have to hold on to our core beliefs and our core strengths. What helps me during the hard times is to commit to making it small instances at a time. Anything hard is more bearable if you break it up in small chunks. I have also started sharing about my messy middle more with people I trust. Opening up and sharing openly about what we are going through can be beneficial, and it also helps others see that they are not alone in their struggle. We don’t all have the same struggles but we ALL struggle from time to time. Here’s the important thing to remember: As Brené Brown says, “The middle is messy, but it’s also where all the magic happens, all the tension that creates goodness and learning.” We all know what it feels like to fail, to feel beaten down at times, and if we talk more about how we get back up on our feet, if we talk about how we shook off the mud, we get to inspire each other to keep going and we give each other hope and strength. I am in for that! So, let's talk more openly about our messy middle and show a kind support when we recognize that someone is going through it!

We can be authentic and use our hard as a bridge to making good things happen in the world. We can connect through our common humanity, by how easy it is to fall, how much of a struggle it is to get up sometimes, and how worth-it it is, to keep trying and to keep growing. We are filled with all the potential for what is good, hopeful and possible. Let’s take the leap together. We can do it. We can fail, fall, learn, get back up, waddle, grow, flourish … and do it all over again;)

If you happen to read this post, and can relate or want to share about your messy middle, please write a comment below or write me an email at Jo@notestoselfacademy.com - I look forward to reading you. Thank you for being here!

Brown, B. (Host). (2020, September 2). Brené on Day 2. [Audio podcast episode]. In Unlocking Us with Brené Brown. Cadence13. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-day-2/

Doyle, G. (Host). (2023, January). [Audio podcast episode]. In We can do hard things. Cadence13.